Do you think you have the absolute worst roommate in history? Lots of my friends—as well as strangers on the Internet—would, respectfully, disagree. Here are some of the worst roommate horror stories I have ever heard. Maybe these eight heart-warming tales will help you realize that your roommate isn’t so bad after all.
1. The Sock
“I was randomly assigned a roommate freshman year of college. She did the following things—in chronological order—over the course of the semester.
2. The Shoe Thief
“My first (and only) college roommate was a passive-aggressive princess who liked to punish those who had wronged her by stealing their stuff.One day, after a big fight, I came home from class to find that I was missing one shoe from about 8 pairs of shoes. When I confronted her about it, she denied the whole thing.I got back at her by mixing super-glue in with her toenail polish. She was stuck wearing the same pair of socks for five days.”
3. Water balloons, of sorts
“I had a roommate that would jerk off while wearing a condom. When he finished he would tie a knot at the end—creating a little water balloon of sorts—and then toss them in random places in the room.When he moved out I found them everywhere: on top of shelves, in the closet, even in the hole in the wall where the doorknob busted through. We don’t live together anymore.”
4. You’re being a real Trevor
“One of my old roommates stabbed me with a fork after I said he sucked at GTA 5. I still stand by my statement.”
5. Roomies with Entrepreneurial Pursuits
“When I was a sophomore in college, two of my suitemates in the dorm became Craigslist prostitutes. They brought their “business” back to the dorm frequently.It was really gross. They also didn’t even make that much money.”
6. The “Mysterious” Phone Bill
“Sophomore year of college I lived in an apartment with one of my buddies from the Rugby team. We got along great, worked out together, ate together, you name it! Six months into the year I got a girlfriend at another school and started spending weekends visiting her. After a month of weekends away I slowly started to see my roommate less and less. It seemed suspicious, but his parents lived in town, so it wasn’t that concerning. I figured he just wanted free food.Then the phone bill arrived. (This is back in the day of land-lines.)It turns out that my buddy spent every weekend I was away, for the entire month, calling sex lines—running up a bill equal to a full month’s rent. (The entire month’s rent, mind you; not just his half.)Looking at the bill, you’d think he’d spent 24 hours a day on the phone with these people.He decided to “move out” because he knew the bill was coming soon. And when I confronted him, he refused to admit to it. I was up his ass about the money for a long time, and he eventually quit the team and dropped out of school.I’m still mad about that ‘mysterious’ phone bill. I lived on rice and ramen noodles for two months thanks to him.”
7. Computer Passwords are a Thing of Beauty
“I met my sophomore-year roommate at freshman orientation. He seemed like a nice enough guy. It wasn’t until we lived together, though, that I got to really know him.He would frequently use my computer without asking for permission. Once I clicked “My pictures” and discovered a ton of pictures of him naked, with his hands pressed against the wall—fat ass out—giving the camera a naughty look.Turns out he was using my computer camera to create a “Black Male Power Bottom seeking Black Male Power Top” craigslist ad.I put a password on my computer that very same day.”
8. The War of the Roses
“My roommate and I set out a clear set of rules when we decided to live together:
Split utilities 50-50
Mark your shelf in the fridge
A few months into living together, we had no real issues. She sometimes would steal my food, but it was never anything worth picking a fight over. Until I got into a car wreck and had to spend two days in the hospital recovering. When I came back, my roommate had adopted a puppy—WITHOUT TELLING ME. That puppy made my life miserable. It would howl and cry at night, poop everywhere, and rip up my furniture.
I decided to call her out for stealing food from my side of the fridge. The feud that ensued came to be known in my circle of friends as “The War of the Roses”:
The day after I called her out for stealing food, I found vinegar in my milk carton.I retaliated by taking her iPad into the bathroom with me every time I used it.
Soon I found my shaving razor covered in blonde pubic hair (my hair is not blonde).
That same night I cooked a rabbit the size of her puppy for dinner. (They were on sale at the grocery store.)
I hid the puppy at my neighbor’s apartment while she was out. Her scream was priceless. The neighbors even called the police! That was a super awkward explanation.
The next day I came home to find my bed pillows chewed up and pissed on. So I retaliated by putting vaseline on her phone and dumping all her cosmetics down the toilet. This went on for a whole month.
Every few days something new would happen—a new battle in the War. Eventually, she moved in with her boyfriend. I declared myself the victor of the War of the Roses.”